Make Me Cook

Prepare to be disgusted, and those of you who are not disgusted… there is no hope for you.

Long has been the legend of the Luther Burger, I’ve even seen it served once in an out of the way greasy spoon style truck stop in podunk America on a past road trip. I gagged when I read the description then… and I gag at this latest news.

Out in Illinois there is a Minor-league baseball team called the Gateway Grizzlies who paired up with the renowned Krispy Kreme company. On March 8th they proudly announced on their club site a brand spanking new concession to their already heart clogging specialities… this one they are dubiously slapping on the moniker of “Baseball’s Best Burger”. Imagine if you will a juicy burger topped with melted cheese and two strips of bacon. Sounds alright so far, oh but now to shatter that image and take it a step further, a step TOO far. Throw that burger patty smothered in cheese and topped with bacon in between two Krispy Kreme donuts. Yes, you heard me right. Donuts. Can anyone say “CLEAR!”

Here is what the GM of the Grizzlies had to say about this monstrosity:
“We have had the opportunity to bring in a new concession item for the past two seasons and each of them have been very successful. We look forward to Baseball’s Best Burger and the excitement it will bring to the ballpark,” said Grizzlies General Manager Tony Funderburg.
Hey, Yippee for you, Krispy Kreme and the Grizzlies there Tony, may you get all the cardiologist bills you deserve. And I don’t want to hear any crying about eating this in moderation and people controlling themselves. There are REAL people out there in the world who have eating disorders and who do not have control over themselves and putting food like this out there is like putting a gun in their hands. Responsibility for dumping this kind of unhealthy crap on the American consumer has to start somewhere. I don’t necessarily relate “excitement” with farking up my health, but I’m weird like that.

These guys are not newbies when it comes to coming up with foods that will send you straight to the ER clutching your chest and exclaiming “I’m comin’ Elizabeth!”. This so-called “Best Burger” is the follow up to their “Baseball’s Best Hotdog”; which is a giant beef weiner, slathered with cheddar cheese, saurkraut, sauteed onions and more bacon. The calorie rumors are already spreading that this burger packs a whopping 1000 calories. Add a soft drink or a beer to that and maybe some chips or nuts and you have all of your daily allowance of calories in one heart stopping sitting. Peace be with the brave who venture there, I’ll be the coward guiltily eating a plain dog with mustard on the sidelines.

Now this isn’t some creative genius at work here, since Mr. Vandross seemingly came up with his own version of a sandwich similar in an act of desperation and being bunless. A burger quite similar to this also makes an appearance in the Cartoon Network Adult Swim show The Boondocks episode called “The Itis”. Grandpa makes up a donut burger and opens a restuarant that serves them up. But people get “The Itis’ whenever they eat one of his burgers, which is akin to the all too familiar Food Coma or being Food Drunk. So Grandpa puts beds in his establishment for his patrons to sleep off their Itis. The problem is that people become grossly overweight, and the Itis burger becomes the new crack. People are too fat and too tired to work, they lose their jobs and turn to crime in the streets to get enough money to get their fix of another Itis burger. It’s a bit of social satire, but it certainly has a ring of truth to it. So Krispy Kreme and The Grizzlies certainly can’t lay claim to “inventing” this concoction, but they can lay claim to commercializing it and putting a few people closer to their graves with their every so “tasty” heart clogging “goodness”. *gag*

Did the world really NEED this?
*sigh*